need help with a personal problem

I need advice

I am having big time anxiety over something that my husband says is something I do not need to worry about but I do and he does not understand

We are in a rock solid loving relationship, married and together almost 20 years. We will be together until we die. He is 13 years older then me, he is semi -retired I still have 8 years until I retire. We are both in excellent health, he actually is healthier then I am

My anxiety is that I worry about what will happen if he should pass before I do. Right now because he has the time, he does all the cooking, washing the clothes, does the grocery shopping. He has always hired a maid to come in every two weeks to do cleaning. My husband takes care of everything from the lawn, the pool, any maintenance that needs to be done, car repairs, he even washes and fills my car with gas.. Without explaining why we do this, all assets are in my name, not his. The home is in my name, the utilities are all in my name etc etc. He has paid off the home, pays all bills except for health insurance and car insurance These are the only two things I payd for). All his bank accounts are also in my name. My total pay check goes into my savings, so I have accumulated a larger retirement then most people. My husband also set me up with a financial advisor that put everything in a trust in my name that passes to my husband if I die first, then to my children. My husband will states that he leaves everything to me then to my children. He is as honest a man as they come

This week we had a plumbing emergency and needed to turn off the water in the house. I did not know how to do it so I called him and he walked me through it. But it hit home that if he should pass I dont know how to do anything. I was overwhelmed with anxiety this week because it just shows I dont cpntrol or know how to do anything. Since he pays all the bills I dont even know what to pay and how. He uses auto pay for everything, it comes out of his checking account or his credit card. I have access to all statements, I have the passwords to all accounts

Two years ago I expressed this anxiety to him and he wrote down everything, all his passwords to all accounts, who to contact if I needed help. He updates it every six months.

My question is why cant I get him to understand that I need to know things. whenever I ask him he will show me, but unless I do it all the time I forget how. He says I am the smartest person he ever met and that I need not worry because I will figure things out. he says since he is semi retired he doesnt mind doing things and helping out. He says in a marriage its a partnership and each person does different things I feel so stupid

I know I am rambling but I need advice, and I appreciate your thoughts. Am I overreacting? Should I do more? How can I get him to understand? please do not email, please post your responses here.

My 2 cents is you're selling yourself short. From what you describe he is agreeable to show you how to do things. I suggest you tag along with him when chores need done, and let him not only show you how to do something but let you do the work.

I totally get where you are coming from. It sounds like you already know that you need to involve yourself in all of these transactions, so you are better prepared if something did happen to him. Just don't make him think you don't trust him,, or make him think that you believe he is hiding something from you. If he ia giving you all of the account sign in and log in passwords, you're a step ahead, however it would def3make things easier if your name was added to these accounts or they may not talk to you after he is gone?

Seems you have a reason to keep accounts separate, and that could haunt you down the road?

Sounds like your name is on the important things though, house, 401K etc. So, I think you're fine, with just having the account info and passwords etc...

Maybe don't overthink this? Don't think he is leaving you hanging out to dry.

Yes you are overreacting. I was in your position when my wife got sick and then passed. But I centered myself and managed what I could and rearranged things to suit my needs. Now we have a virtual information highway that will give step by instructions on how do everything. Take your time relax and learn.

simple math says he will almost certainly pass before you do. however, you will rise to the occasion, maybe not it the way he would but you will.

He's taking these things off your plate so you can worry less. enjoy that and worry when the time comes. what is the worst thing that could happen. they turn the power off, call them, pay the late fee and go on.

That being said any naughty •••• your husband asks you to do... don't even think about it. DO IT!!!!

Well, you have to understand that since he left the mob and went into witness protection, he has to be cautious that is why everything is in your name.

Just have him put everything in a spreadsheet so if the mob finds him and takes him, you can use the spreadsheet to pay the bills.

And join Angie's list or what ever it is called now.

On Angie's you can find a handy man for anything, and find them quick!

You're set up for life...What are you bitching about?

do an online search for your local community college(USA) under 'adult ed' or 'continuing ed', they offer loads of courses/classes aimed at people in your situation. "U" tube also offers a plethora of anything && everything

Relax, life is good and your husband has prepared well for you. The worse that can happen, is that you die first.

We are this couple.
Together 50 yrs married 46.
I don't even know where or how much money we have.
My children know are locked into it all.

I semi retired 10 yrs ago. I have a hobby job that keeps me busy and spending money.

But I do everything around the house in and outside.
I have the time and there is an acroment for a disorder I have it lol. Sitting around just not happening.

I had the same anxiety when a friend passed and his wife had no clue what or where anything was or done.

So I now strongly suggest she calls the auto shop, insurance, home repairs people now.

Don't wait start to take over some of his duties.
If she goes first as for house hold things I am all good. The bank type stuff is in the death box.
(if you do not have a death box get one today)

So you said his bank accounts have your name on them and you have access to the records and you also have the passwords. He does way more household help around the house then the average spouse. He has left you written instructions for everything. He has paid off the house and everything is in your name only. I have no clue what your worried about. He sounds like the best husband I have ever heard of.

It sounds like if he dies before you do then you have nothing to worry about. The bills are automatically paid, just check the bank statements and also access his email. You will be fine

About maintenance of the house and cars most people are in the same boat. Very few people these days know how to do those things. You will figure out how to get things done one by one, your lucky at his age that he is in good enough shape now that he does it and not have to pay for it. Find a handyman if you dont already have one and you can call him or her when you have a need

Someone said here, its easy to look on the internet and youtube to figure anything out. Try it, preten he wasnt around when you have that plumbing problem. Look at the internent see see how to turn your water off. I bet you will find how to do it withing 15 minutes or less.

Two things, while you are still working and he is semi retired I would change nothing. When you retire start taking on some of the things and share the load like married people are supposed to do. Sounds like currently you work so he is sharing the load of household duties and more

To be honest in my opinion it sounds like you suffer from depression or severe anxiety and you should seek mental help for that. You are better off then 95% of the wives out there. You have nothing to be anxious about except your own desire of controlling every little aspect when marriage is a partnership.

Good luck and let us know how you make out.

LOL , one of his friends will help you out

To the OP; my wife is exhibiting the same behaviour as I speak!

It's driving me demented - you (and my wife) should seek advice - this is controlling behaviour: if a guy acted like this, he would be censured for overbearing behaviour.

I understand where you are coming from. I’m a contractor with 30+ years of experience being in people’s homes. My primary businesses are HVAC and electrical contracting. So I’ve been in thousands and thousands of homes in these 30+ years. In those homes I’ve come across many, many women who had no clue of the ‘workings’ of the household. These days with younger people it’s BOTH the man and women that don’t understand what makes a house work. I’ve made my living from this.

First off… the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping is a no brainer so I’m assuming you’re more worried about the workings of the house. Especially when ‘it’ hits the fan.

If this is driving you nuts you need to invest in one or more contractors/companies that can help put you at ease. How? By hiring a plumber or HVAC company that can walk you through and label (and yes I do mean hang little signs) all the important valves in the house. So in an emergency you can shut the water off or shut the gas off or the electric. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had calls where the husband had passed and did indeed label everything, but never included his wife in what things were and there I was responding to an emergency (big or small) she could’ve addressed at least in the moment had she known about the house workings.

Everybody has their abilities. All you need to know is how to stop an emergency so you can think and get the help you need.

It’s important to have one or two trusted companies/contractors that have a trusting reputation. While you may find that on Angie, I HIGHLY suggest you look to Facebook. I am on Angie but the best referrals come from Facebook groups (typically ‘Moms of _____) because they recommend people they’ve used and trust. Piss off a Moms group on Facebook and you’ll likely lose most of your business in that town.

Find a contractor. Hire him to spend several hours to go through things with you. Best if you can do this for the water/gas in your home as well as the electrical system and heating/cooling system. It will cost you money for good contractors, but your sanity is more important. And… when you need them, they already know you.

We're both retied, in our 60's, and have been married for 46 years. When I was a firefighter, they sent out a form called, "What To Do If I Die." It had mostly financial things and you filled out the blanks. It got me thinking about the other things I do. Like your husband, I do everything. So I made up a word document explaining to my wife how to do things if I die. It's frusting for me because she knows very little about the things around the house. So, I've been "teaching" her to do these things as well. Sometimes it seems like it's going in one ear and out the other. So, I occassionally test her. I don't want something to happen to me and our daughter has to take over everything. Little by little I think it's working. She's worked in high level jobs, so she has the smarts to figure things out. Perhaps she doesn't want to think about me dying, so she blocks things out.

You need to let your husband know you have to AND need to know things. You don't want to throw all of this on another family member who has zero idea of what's happening. Even so, a son or daughter should know what's going on with the finances and other household things. You never know, you both could die in a car accident and a family member needs to know things. You and your husband can sit down and work on a document (computer or pencil/paper) that spells out how everything needs to be done. Store this document and let family members know where it is. It's all about peace of mind.

Jan, it appears your husband knows something you dont. Ask him the real reason he has gone to all this trouble. Talk about what you are asking here.
5 years ago my widow maker artery was 100 percent blocked. I had capillary expansion that compensated for that. I had a major episode. My surgeon advised me to get things in order. I have done all that and talked to my wife.
Maybe its time for you to ask. If not, start living like today is the last day. Not morbid. Just celebrate your time together.

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